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Ignorance is bliss! (but not to those close to it). I just found this month old blog that was sitting in the wait to publish box!

I have a theory about why some people request to sit at the table nearest the musician.

Most go there because they love the music, however I am starting to believe that some request that table because of a desire to be the centre of attention (they cant be behind the mic so the nearest table to it, is the next best thing).

Last week I was having a very nice evening performing in a very nice restaurant that attracts very nice people. There are a couple of tables very close to my mic stand, one was occupied by a couple with their son and his girlfriend, they appeared to be enjoying their food (and the music).

Half way through the first set a stout bald guy (50 something) with his brassy blonde 40 something year old partner made their entrance, he bellowed at the waitress  “you’re expecting us! table for 4 at the front please babs”. A few moments  later their similar aged companions arrived. The guy walked with a swagger that was very similar to Kathy Burke’s portrayal of Perry the teenager, when impersonating Liam Gallagher. The newcomers wife followed 4 steps behind.  Mr Swagger recognised the young (son and girlfriend) couple and proceeded announce to the restaurant that he was  astounded that they should be in the restaurant  without his prior knowledge.  After a great deal of loudly introducing everybody to everybody else Mr Swagger and his partner he took their seat with Mr Baldy Chav and Mrs Brassy Chav.

My expected role as entertainer, and his expected role (of being part of the audience) was now reversed.  I was simply fixated listening to the absolute fantastic conversation being broadcast from the newly self appointed restaurant entertainer. The highlight was an animated narration/address from Mr Bald.

“Jeeeez, we went to France last year on that Eurostar, you can drink all the way, there although it’s a bit pricey. When we got there we went to a Restauant that everybody says is the best restaurant in France”

Mr Swagger interjected at this point “what’s it called”,

My Bald replied “Can’t  remember, but it don’t matter does it? I think that Gordon Ramsey was a chef there once. Anyway LISTEN! On the menu they ad this wine list with a bot-all of plonk priced at 350 Euros, wot they didn’t know is that I am a bit of a wine expert and knew that another bot-all on the list priced at just 11 Euros was actually exactly the same wine just with a different label on the bot-all”

Mr Swagger again interjected “ow did you know that?”

Mr Bald “Because I used to be a member of a wine club didn’t I!” At this point he looked at his Blonde companion for affirmation, she gave it with a “yes ee did, there aint nofink ee don’t know about wine”

Mr Bald continued, “It was amazing cos I called the waiter over and asked im if ee knew that the two wines were identical, but the froggy git didn’t have a kin clue, the ponce tried to argue with me claiming  the two wines were different. What ee didn’t know that I ad actually been to the factory where the wine were made and I’d seen em putting on the different labels. We ad the 11 Euros bot-all and it was brill. Lovely wine it was, you need to look out for it in Lidl look it’s called Key-ant-ee”.

At this point,  a guy at a table 6 or 7 tables away could not curtail his laughter and I forgot the words to the song I was singing.


About Tobias. A. Hogg

My daughter, my nephew, Christian Scientist actors and now even my 80 something mum are all doing it and I have decided to have a go. My intention is to record things that intrigue or amuse me and the source of my experiences is probably going to be centred around my chosen profession gigging singer, but who knows what future blogs may bring.

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