Work-wise 2017 has been a very good year, the vast majority of gigs have been in pleasant surroundings and performing to nice people so, (although even a really good gig involves a work and can be very draining) it’s been another year that has reminded me how grateful that I am in a job I love so much….. but there have to be some lows so that the highs are appreciated.
I was asked to perform a gig at a pub where previously I had experienced a horrible night because there was a tv showing a boxing match right behind where I was to perform, the publican would not allow me to turn the TV off, he thought that so long as he turned the sound off all was OK. The first set was bad, in my break I complained to the guv, he refused to switch the TV off but agreed that he would pay me my full fee and I could go home without performing the second set. This was one event that helped me decide to only take gigs in pubs where I knew music was appreciated by the manager as well as the clientele.
When I got a call from the same pub asking to book me, I reminded them of my previous gig, I was told it’s a new manager and he has promised no TV during the performance, so I took the gig.
I arrived at a pub with 3 customers and 2 bar staff and lots of TV’s showing a darts match, there posters, blackboards and flyers on every table advertising live music for the following evening, I had sent posters to the venue one was on the wall hidden behind the optics, I was told the other was in the toilet corridor. When it was time to start, reluctantly the barmaid agreed to switch the tv (directly behind me) off and I commenced my show to pub with 3 punters.
A little later the clientele tripled in size. Two of the new customers were scafolders who were coked out of their brains. As one approached me the guv mouthed “he’s ok he’s a singer”.
“Ok mate is it alright if I sing a song”, I thought that the evening couldn’t get much worse so I’ll let him sing “sure but leave the mic in the stand and don’t fall over the cables, what do you want to sing?” the reply was “I am Sailing” so I played an intro a few times, he looked puzzled so I sang the first line and he took over. He was a very small man before he started to sing but with his first note he contorted himself into a twisted and deformed dwarf, his face shrivelled up and a fry (laryngealisation) noise came from his mouth. It was like something from the exorcist. After the initial horror, I wanted to laugh but the tiny man looked like he would probably punch or glass me if I did so I kept a straight face, it really was a ” Bigus Dickus and Incontinentia Buttocks” moment, every time he lifted his demon face I had to stifle my smile. He sang the first verse twice and then repeated it a third time, he wanted to go for a fourth repeat but enough was enough so I had to upset him and end the song.
I thought that was it but instead, he said “another song mate, play “Peggy Jane” (I guessed he meant Peggy Sue) I replied that I didn’t know Peggy Jane, he told me “everybody does it’s really easy just hit the top two strings” I was amused now, so I followed his instruction and hit the top two strings, and asked “what now?” he told me “just keep doing that, it’s really good, I knew you could play it”. I thought that at this point I would take a break so muted all the channels and went to the bar.
As I got to the bar, the grimacing dwarf demon who was standing behind the switched off mic, broke into shouting
“Peggy Jane, don’t leave me bangin’ on your door, I knew you when you had no one to talk to” to a tune that in parts slightly resembled the Rod Stewart song “Baby Jane”
The second set I refused to let the scaffolder sing so he stood about 4 foot away from me and shouted along with every song I sung. The guv disappeared upstairs. I shortened my second set from 50 minutes to 20 minutes as I knew nobody would notice (they didn’t).
The guv came downstairs to pay me and got his diary out “it was a good night tonight let’s sort another date out for you” I said that we would have to wait until December when I get a new diary, the guv told me that “it is December now” I explained that I meant next December as 2018 is already fully booked……… my nose started to grow as I left the pub.